Yuki's Mind Brand CNN Type News Show
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: It's a new show hosted by Yuki Sohma. Hear all the latest news straight from the damn rats mouth!
1. What can I say?

**A/N:**

**As promised, a new random series.**

**Wont be updated much. Doesn't make any sense.**

**Just… whatever.**

**Disclaimer and Warnings: Don't own Fruits Basket. Language and OOC.**

**Yuki's Mind Brand CNN Type News Show.**

"Hello there! Welcome to tonight's episode of **Yuki's Mind Brand CNN Type News Show! **Tonight, our main stories are, Whatever happened to Kyo's virginity, Where is Kureno now, What's the time, Mr. Haru and How Hiro was born. Tonight we are proudly sponsored and written by Dukoro-chan and KFC, your taste buds best friend. I'm Yuki Sohma and now it's time for an add break"

Yuki took a deep breath and reached for a piece of cheese under his desk. He ate it quickly before the show became on air again.

"Thankyou, this is Yuki Sohma. Starting with our top story tonight, whatever happened to Kyo's virginity? Many proud sources have stated that Kagura raped him many a time, but others say he still owns it.

"I know for a fact Kyo has his virginity. I am his fostered father, after all"

"He lost it to me! Kagura! Man, he felt good"

"Huh? What about Kyo?"

As you can see, it is a mixed vote weather the Cat child has lost his most precious thing or not. Maybe if we had some DECENT reporters, we would be able to check to see if his foreskin is bent or not"

Yuki quickly chugged down some water, before turning back to the live camera.

"So, we decided to ask him ourselves. He said, 'Yes, of course' and 'Fuck off, you stupid rat"

"How Hiro was born, is a fascinating story of courage, wit and stupidity all rolled into one. Hiro's mummy gave birth to him when he was only 9 months old. His mummy pushed and groaned as her waters broke and he slid out in a bloody heap. Once born, she discovered his awful secret; that he is a snuggly lamb! Growing up is tough, but having an animal counterpart who is an adorable baby lamb is worse! After turning 12, the tables turned for Hiro Sohma, as he became the annoying brat he is. Give it up for, HIRO! We now have an add break, thanks to McKureno Cheese. It's just too good. And ADIDAS, because everyone knows it as "All Day I Dream About Sex"

Three beautiful woman ran up to Yuki to fix his hair and makeup over the add break. He wondered at this point why he took up news reading in the first place.

"Shigure's Mind. What do you think of it? That's our daily poll. Press red on your remote to vote. The stats come in as shows.  
Perverted – 3  
I would screw him – 90  
He should die – 6  
Lets eat cheese – 1"

Said Yuki, holding up a chart.

"Now it's time for What's the time, Mr. Haru. It seems Hatsuharu "Haru" Sohma has been doing some community service and juvi work for stabbing and raping to woman in Black mode. After his conviction of 4 months in juvi and community service every Saturday until he was 25, Haru said, "I can't even remember it happening". The judge explained his cocky attitude and those same six words was what bought on the punishment. Although sources say, it's true Haru does not remember anything, after changing back from Black…"

"…Now, to our story on where Kureno is now. Akito stabbed him recently, right in the back. Although there was no serious harm done, nothing has been heard from him since. So, we took a look and what his turkey ass has been doing since. Psst! Cut to the clip, Roger!"

"Hi, I'm Kureno Sohma and I am being paid $2mil to tell you what I have been doing since I was stabbed. As you can see in the background here, I built a tree fort in my back yard. I like it, because I can jump in there. Also in the background, you can see a painted a pretty flower on my tree. Yes, I did. Oh, you wanna see my scar? There you have it. Yummy. Also since I was stabbed, I have to take medication, which keeps my heart from stopping. Hatori gave me that, because Akito takes it too. Thankyou! Bye"

"Very well done, Kureno, very well done. Very heart warming. Now for our side story, Momiji's Wish! As you can see by this here film clip, it has Momiji wishing upon a star for his sister to know about him. If I shutup, you might hear him speaking!"

"Mr. Star… please… I wish on you to let my sister know who I am… Momo Sohma…"

"How sweet. How sweet. Thanks for joining me tonight on **Yuki's Mind Brand CNN Type News Show. **We hope you'll join us next time! Goodbye and Goodnight"

Once the camera's weren't rolling anymore, Yuki pulled a cigar out of his pocket and light it up, walking outside into the cool nights air, where he was mobbed by fan girls.

**A/N:**

**Well, what can I say? Yuki's Mind Brand CNN Type News Show, is about it.**

**Review? **


	2. Unusual Happenings

**A/N:**

**Okay, I have finally updated. Is everyone gleefully happy?**

**Better be…**

"Hi folks and welcome to the this week's installment of **Yuki's Mind Brand CNN Type News Show! **Tonight, we have some interesting news, live coverage I might add, of Momiji. We're interviewing him right here in the studio on his new job, working in the porn industry with Ayame. We also have some updates on Ritsu's life, along with news from Hatori and a new section to the show, 'Hiro's Gossip Corner'. Not only that but we have some coverage of Kagura and Kyo's recent argument and Tohru's big mistake. So, tonight, we will start will our top story"

"Porn industries. Slave houses of sex, corruption and… sex. Are they meant for 15 year old boys with the looks and mind capacity of an 8 year olds? We'll ask Momiji, what he thinks. Momiji?"

"Personally, I think yes. I mean, I would have never made it in the business if I weren't a sexy fiend of… sex. I mean, you have to admit, even the girls at school love me"

"True, true. But, what about Ayame? Was this all his doing?"

"No… it was my idea. I love porn. I want to make girls happy"

"I see. So, what's your porno nickname?"

"Sir Bunnikins and Ayame's is The Slippery Snake"

"Thanks for coming in tonight Momiji. You do look rather sexy. Now, go on! We want to talk about you behind your back. No, only kidding."

"Tohru's big mistake. The girl who is supposed to be perfect has finally slipped up and contributed destruction to the household of Shigure Sohma, by burning down the kitchen with miso soup. It was reported by Kyo that she was, 'too busy concentrating on Kisa playing outside that she slipped and dripped the damn miso!'. Kisa has been put to blame for it all and will have to pay the cost of the damages. Although, people are still skeptical"

"I know it wasn't Kisa! That dumb ass chick should pay more attention!"

"It's very doubtful that a child like Kisa has the ability of burning down a kitchen…"

"So, what do you think? Take a vote and review with your answer. The poll is, obviously, do you think Kisa distracted Tohru SO much, she burnt the kitchen down? We now go to an add break"

During the commercial, advertising Momiji and Ayame's porn, Yuki drank a coffee. He liked coffee, to some extent. It kept him awake.

"Welcome back, folks. Now, Ritsu's life. We all know Ritsu to be a bit crazy. Ok, very crazy, with all his apologizing and yelling. But the cross dressing is what gets people the most, so I have been told by my reliable sources. Although, in a new discovery, it seems Ritsu has taken a shine to wearing men's suits, as he said, 'they keep me warm'. I, myself, am skeptical and believe it's been Akito's order that he stop acting like a freakin' girl and got his act into gear. I wouldn't be surprised, you know… what? Can't I say that? Oh… anyway, here's some news from Hatori. The news in a funny weather form""

"Thankyou, Yuki. It seems that it was raining Shigure's and Kyo's today, with a heavy down pour on to our nice suburban town in Japan…. That's all I got"

"Oh for fuck sakes Hatori! Your to be shamed, you are! Oh, forgive me. I didn't mean to swear at that dumb ass over there. Anyway, here's Hiro with the gossip of the week"

"Thanks, I'm Hiro. This week, a lot of gossip worthy news has happened, including when Akito pissed herself laughing. It seems that Kureno was telling a joke to our God, when she cracked up and fell off her bed, wetting herself in the process. It has been made clear that anyone who brings this up will be locked in the 'cat room' for a week. Crap, I hope Akito isn't watching this right now… anyway, more news including Kisa involves when she attempted to murder… a fly! She was walking through her classroom when she noticed the fly on the floor, and apparently tried to torture it with her spoon. Being unsuccessful, she said, 'fuck this, I hate you all' and walked off in the opposite direction. Surprising. Also involving school, Haru decided to rape a junior yesterday afternoon in the woman's toilets. It has been stated that, 'I was still white, but felt like some sex'. He said that himself, to tell you the truth. The girl has not laid charges, as she said it was the best sex she had ever had, and hopes it will happen again. Back to you, Yuki"

"Thankyou Hiro, I'll be sure to use things like that against people. Now, just to top the night off, I have some news from Kagura and Kyo. I have been told that Kagura went and made some wedding arrangements behind Kyo's back, without asking, and has planned a date and bought her dress. Apparently, Kyo only found out a few days ago as Momiji told him what Kagura had done. Kyo, furious, went over to Kagura's house and caused her to cry, which then resulting in him breaking a leg. She later said, 'I love Kyo too much. The wedding must continue, broken leg or not'. Kyo is now trying to escape the country to go live with an anonymous friend in Australia"

**(A/N: What! I needed to say that! It made it sound… good!)**

"That's all for tonight folks. See you next week with all the HOT, HOT, HOT gossip!"

Yuki sighed as the camera switched off. His producer turned to him and smiled.

"You're getting the hang of this," He said, "You might even have a job for life, here"

"As if," Yuki replied solemnly, "This is so hard. I can't contain the laughter sometimes"

"You're allowed to laugh, Yuki"

"Oh"

Yuki sighed and walked off stage to head home. Little did he know, every Sohma had watched the show, including Tohru. Momiji and Hatori had watched it backstage.

They were all planning their REVENGE on him and Hiro.

…Hmm.

**A/N:**

**Yesh. The ending was dead.**


	3. The end of a Career Choice Option

**A/N:**

**This story was going nowhere, but I didn't want to delete it…**

…**So I just put it to an end.**

Yuki sighed as he walked off the stage and into the staff room with Hiro. That had been Yuki's third news report and already, all the Sohma's and Tohru were hiding behind things in the staff room so they could jump out and kill him.

"Anyway Hiro, I've been thinking about giving up this whole, 'show biz' thing. It's just not working for me. I hope you have fun with the force though,"

"Oh, so you're not gonna do TV anymore?" Came a few questioning voices from the TV, the fridge and the couch. Yuki rolled his eyes.

"No, it's just so… hard,"

There was a few whispers of approval before everyone came out from their hiding places. There were nods and smiles all round before Akito came out and shook Yuki's hand.

"Okay then, we've got no beef with you. Everyone, lets file outta here!"

Which was very OOC for Akito to say, but who cares. Too early in the morning to bother with characterizations.

Yuki stared as Hiro walked off with the strange group of people which he didn't really like to call his family. Who would?

"Yuki?" Came a voice from behind him. It was his manager. "I'm sorry boy, you're real good and all, but we're gonna have to cut you… off air"

"WOOHOO!" Yuki exclaimed. "You just saved me saying 'I quit', thankyou!"

Yuki giggled before walked off.

What a… strange day.

**A/N:**

**WTF.**

**I expect flames for this.**

**I feel like crap.**


End file.
